Day Thirty-One

My journey has been such a profound, personal experience and I haven't gone into much detail on this blog. But I can tell you that yesterday, a huge piece of a puzzle came together. A lot of this journey for me has been about family of origin and boundaries, about forgiveness and freedom, about loving without giving myself away, and honoring the divine within without looking for external validation.

Yesterday I spent over 4 hours in mediation with my ex-husband over financial matters. This has been going on (dragging on) since last October and has weighed heavily on my emotional and physical body. There were times when I couldn't even deal with all the paperwork and legal communication that needed to be done. And the cost of all of this has been weighing on me as well. I felt deeply that my ex-husband needed to have this legal "battle" with me - to keep us engaged in a power struggle - and so he could feel that "justice was served."

Over the months, I went through the gamut of feelings, but as of yesterday, acceptance was my biggest emotion. Acceptance and inner strength. And that is what I brought to our meeting. There were a few moments of tense emotion, but overall, it was uneventful and eventually settled and papers were signed. In the years since we have been divorced, I unconsciously hoped that my ex would come to see me as a good person; as someone worthy of respect. I don't think that will ever be the case (maybe yes, maybe no) but what I have been letting go of is the need for him to see me as such. And that feels like freedom to me. And I'm basking in it today.

xoxo

Day Thirty

Still on the journey...calling on my spirit guides today...

Day Twenty-Nine

Journey check-in...here is a list of themes that Sage proposed for this 40 day journey.

~life as an orphan
~loss of innocence
~initiation: Egyptian, Hebrew, Today
~40 - the cycle of transformation
~hearing and answering the call
~finding your purpose
~the rigid taskmaster and the unruly slaves-turned- free-people
~the need to strengthen the will
~despair and loss
~wandering lost in the desert looking for the promised
land
~trusting that your needs will be met
~a code to live by
~the power of prayer and it's relationship to intuition,
visions, and dreams
~faith, trust, and letting go
~what does all this have to do with Jesus Christ, our
Judeo-Christian heritage, and our spiritual roots.

As I read over this list, I feel inspired to do some journaling on each of these topics and how they have directly applied to me. The only one that didn't resonate for me is the last one because I tend to avoid thinking about Christianity and Jesus Christ...but maybe I need to look at that...hmmm.

Day Twenty-Eight

Have you ever practiced non-judgment? On yourself? My favorite parable is the one about the old Chinese farmer who has a son who breaks his leg and all the villagers say "What terrible news!" and the farmer says "maybe yes, maybe no." A few months later all the young men from the village get drafted to fight a terrible war and many men die. The farmer's son does not get drafted, due to his injury, and all the villagers say "Oh! You are so lucky!" and the farmer says "maybe yes, maybe no."

The message I take from this story is: don't judge. It doesn't serve. I like to take it a step further and try and be grateful for that which I might normally judge as 'bad.' Acceptance, surrender, softening are all words that help me do this. Recently I got into a downward spiral about where I'm at in my life. I'm 43, I have moved around a lot, I haven't worked at one job for a long period of time, I'm not an "expert" in any field, I know a little about a lot, etc. I was comparing myself to some of my friends who have slowly and steadily worked towards goals and are enjoying the fruits of their labor, and I was coming up short (in my opinion.) Luckily one of my favorite spirit guides (in the form of my husband) spoke some sage words to me and shifted my perspective. I am a human being on the path, I have a light in my heart, I love. That's enough for today.

This post is dedicated to the little baby born in India a month ago that has two faces. Had she been born in the West, she might be viewed as an abomination, a freak of nature. But she has been born in India, where she is worshiped and loved as the reincarnation of Durga. What an inspirational re-frame. It's all about perspective and the open heart. Peace.

Day Twenty-Seven

A note from the Universe:

Don't be afraid. You needn't slay the beast nor scale the entire mountain. That's not how it's done. You only need to move through today. Think of the distance you've already covered. Focus on your strengths. Let each new step remind you of your freedom. Let every breath you take remind you of your power. Seek out friends and guides; they're anxious to help. You're not alone. You're understood. This road has been walked before. Dance life's dance, just a few steps at a time, and in the wink of an eye you will wonder to yourself, "What beast, what mountain? Was I having a dream?"
Love you,
The Universe

love this...xoxo

Day Twenty-Six

What has transpired most relevantly for me on this journey thus far, is that it has no end.
-Anonymous

This is exactly what I wanted to write about today. This 40 day journey is one of many, continuous journeys we take in this life. My life is one long journey, each experience paving the way for the next.

I have received deep satisfaction from my yoga practice. I have been practicing consistently now for over three years - a record for me. The longer I practice, the deeper appreciation I have for it. There is something so amazing, so rich, about consciously practicing anything over time.

Each moment that I consciously show up, turns into a string of days that equal growth. And those days turn into a life well lived. I give thanks for this journey.

Day Twenty-Five

Mudita - the study of "Empathic Joy."

The Buddha called mudita a “rare and beautiful quality.” It is a boundless state that responds to others’ successes not with withdrawal or envy, but with active delight. Cultivating the quality of mudita helps uproot the unhappy states of envy, judgment and comparison. It is also said to be the most difficult of the brahma viharas to develop.

Yesterday, my heart felt a little poisonous. Not 100% poisonous, but still...there were moments when I wished others ill will, and felt lost and unsure of myself and envy in my heart at other people's accomplishments. Just found out that a former colleague of mine is featured in this month's Vogue and I could barely feign interest. Inside I was dying 1,000 deaths and counting my resentments. It hurts to feel those feelings. I hurt my own feelings yesterday. I wasn't happy about the way I was feeling, but didn't know what to do to shift it either.

I stumbled upon an article about a woman who teaches mudita and here are some of her words that comforted me. "I don't think I appreciated, when I first learned it, that mudita is not about really wishing that the other person's good fortune should continue. It's practicing so that your own mind doesn't cave in to despair and envy or jealousy."

Aha...this I can relate to! Kind of like, build it and they will come...bring the body and the mind will follow...I don't want my mind to cave in to despair/envy/jealousy/inadequacy/etc. so I will delight in other's accomplishments, even if I have to fake it until I make it. And try to forgive myself too for feeling so "less than" right now. This too shall pass...xoxo

For more on the concept of mudita, click here.