Sigh...this journey has been so powerful, so intense for me and I feel sad that this is my last post - and what a weeny little post it is... I just got my lap top back and was "off" of my computer for a huge part of this busy day - just got time to sit down and I'm so tired.
So, I guess I'll go out with a whisper and say that part of my commitment on this journey was to blog daily and I did it. But that was just a small piece. I plan to spend the next few weeks digesting all that has transpired over the past 40 days. I will be going on a personal retreat and bringing my journal along as well as some good books. I may even do a cleanse - not sure about that part.
Peace to all who have shared this journey with me, it has been wonderful to know that you were out there, I hope this blog helped you know that you were not alone.
xoxo
Monday, April 21, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Day Thirty-Nine
This is a quote from Abraham-Hicks that I thought was pertinent to this journey:
There are no choices that are really a detour that will take you far from where you're wanting to be -- because your Inner Being is always guiding you to the next, and the next, and the next. So don't be concerned that you may make a fatal choice, because there aren't any of those. You are always finding your balance. It's a never ending process.
-Abraham Hicks
Listen, listen, listen to my heart song...
There are no choices that are really a detour that will take you far from where you're wanting to be -- because your Inner Being is always guiding you to the next, and the next, and the next. So don't be concerned that you may make a fatal choice, because there aren't any of those. You are always finding your balance. It's a never ending process.
-Abraham Hicks
Listen, listen, listen to my heart song...
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
Day Thirty-Seven
Gone Fishing...
Actually I am just rushing out the door to get to school because I'm going on a 3rd grade field trip.
Peace.
Actually I am just rushing out the door to get to school because I'm going on a 3rd grade field trip.
Peace.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Day Thirty-Six
My heart has been the focus of this journey. All the pain that my heart has stored from long ago has been coming out. And that is good. And painful. I really didn't get how much pain I was storing. As I notice it, and feel it, and survive the sometimes seemingly unbearable pain, I move through it - another layer.
My heart is literally struggling to hold all of this right now. I've had such extreme heart palpitations over the past 4 weeks that I my Dr. recommended a series of tests, all showing that I have a strong, healthy heart. But the heart monitor that I wore for 48 hours confirmed that I do, indeed, have a lot of palpitations. I'm now on a very low dosage of a beta-blocker and the palpitations are getting less frequent and I can sleep again and more oxygen is flowing to the body so I am less fatigued. It is a relief.
Nobody can say why my heart is suddenly doing this but I think my memory body is terrified to re-member all the old pain. But each time I do, I feel some relief. Today my heart feels wide open and vulnerable. We bought Lili a pet rat for her ninth birthday, and over the past two days, she became ill. As I held Squeaks in my hands last night I went back to a time when I was nine and my beloved pet rat was dying - my best friend - and I relived the heart ache all over again. Last night I thanked this little being for helping me open my heart some more, thanked her for gracing us with her presence, and I prayed that if she were to die, that it would be swift and painless. When Andy checked on her this morning, she had passed.
Part of my journey has been to excavate the heart. To overturn the grass and see what lies long buried and allow the grief to flow to the correct source, instead of projecting it elsewhere. Grace has been guiding me through this and I have been providing the willingness. Some days are easier than others...today just feels sad and rich. xoxo
My heart is literally struggling to hold all of this right now. I've had such extreme heart palpitations over the past 4 weeks that I my Dr. recommended a series of tests, all showing that I have a strong, healthy heart. But the heart monitor that I wore for 48 hours confirmed that I do, indeed, have a lot of palpitations. I'm now on a very low dosage of a beta-blocker and the palpitations are getting less frequent and I can sleep again and more oxygen is flowing to the body so I am less fatigued. It is a relief.
Nobody can say why my heart is suddenly doing this but I think my memory body is terrified to re-member all the old pain. But each time I do, I feel some relief. Today my heart feels wide open and vulnerable. We bought Lili a pet rat for her ninth birthday, and over the past two days, she became ill. As I held Squeaks in my hands last night I went back to a time when I was nine and my beloved pet rat was dying - my best friend - and I relived the heart ache all over again. Last night I thanked this little being for helping me open my heart some more, thanked her for gracing us with her presence, and I prayed that if she were to die, that it would be swift and painless. When Andy checked on her this morning, she had passed.
Part of my journey has been to excavate the heart. To overturn the grass and see what lies long buried and allow the grief to flow to the correct source, instead of projecting it elsewhere. Grace has been guiding me through this and I have been providing the willingness. Some days are easier than others...today just feels sad and rich. xoxo
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Day Thirty-Five
"Where is that Promised Land?" I whine...so impatient...geez...
I've been a slave recently. Wondering why we're wandering so much, are we ever going to get there? My feet hurt.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend and saying "I feel as if the body is willing, the heart is ready, but I'm still waiting for instructions. And that's the hard place for me, waiting and going on blind faith." But then I remembered a few weeks (days?) ago I was feeling so good because I could see beyond the little strings of my tapestry and see the beautiful pattern it was making. And I said: "Man, I must be impatient because just the other day I was writing about how it was all making sense. I want a sign every day!" And she laughed in recognition.
In my personal journey, I keep waiting to know What To Do (re. work/career) and I feel as if I am sitting around and the message is "We are experiencing a large volume of calls. Please continue to hold." This must be how the slaves felt sometimes during their 40 years of wandering around. What to do? Chop wood, carry water right? Practice, practice, practice. Feed the animals, make food, be nice. Sigh...
I've been a slave recently. Wondering why we're wandering so much, are we ever going to get there? My feet hurt.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend and saying "I feel as if the body is willing, the heart is ready, but I'm still waiting for instructions. And that's the hard place for me, waiting and going on blind faith." But then I remembered a few weeks (days?) ago I was feeling so good because I could see beyond the little strings of my tapestry and see the beautiful pattern it was making. And I said: "Man, I must be impatient because just the other day I was writing about how it was all making sense. I want a sign every day!" And she laughed in recognition.
In my personal journey, I keep waiting to know What To Do (re. work/career) and I feel as if I am sitting around and the message is "We are experiencing a large volume of calls. Please continue to hold." This must be how the slaves felt sometimes during their 40 years of wandering around. What to do? Chop wood, carry water right? Practice, practice, practice. Feed the animals, make food, be nice. Sigh...
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Day Thirty-Four
Taking my computer in to get a little part fixed so just a short post today.
I've spoken to Sage and there is going to be closing event for women who have been on the 40 day journey, but only for the women who were present at the High Teaching she gave. So for those of us who were not present for that event, we may want to plan another get together. Please feel free to use this forum for discussion/planning/etc.
Peace.
I've spoken to Sage and there is going to be closing event for women who have been on the 40 day journey, but only for the women who were present at the High Teaching she gave. So for those of us who were not present for that event, we may want to plan another get together. Please feel free to use this forum for discussion/planning/etc.
Peace.
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