Day Thirty-Six

My heart has been the focus of this journey. All the pain that my heart has stored from long ago has been coming out. And that is good. And painful. I really didn't get how much pain I was storing. As I notice it, and feel it, and survive the sometimes seemingly unbearable pain, I move through it - another layer.

My heart is literally struggling to hold all of this right now. I've had such extreme heart palpitations over the past 4 weeks that I my Dr. recommended a series of tests, all showing that I have a strong, healthy heart. But the heart monitor that I wore for 48 hours confirmed that I do, indeed, have a lot of palpitations. I'm now on a very low dosage of a beta-blocker and the palpitations are getting less frequent and I can sleep again and more oxygen is flowing to the body so I am less fatigued. It is a relief.

Nobody can say why my heart is suddenly doing this but I think my memory body is terrified to re-member all the old pain. But each time I do, I feel some relief. Today my heart feels wide open and vulnerable. We bought Lili a pet rat for her ninth birthday, and over the past two days, she became ill. As I held Squeaks in my hands last night I went back to a time when I was nine and my beloved pet rat was dying - my best friend - and I relived the heart ache all over again. Last night I thanked this little being for helping me open my heart some more, thanked her for gracing us with her presence, and I prayed that if she were to die, that it would be swift and painless. When Andy checked on her this morning, she had passed.

Part of my journey has been to excavate the heart. To overturn the grass and see what lies long buried and allow the grief to flow to the correct source, instead of projecting it elsewhere. Grace has been guiding me through this and I have been providing the willingness. Some days are easier than others...today just feels sad and rich. xoxo