Day Thirty-Eight

Approaching the 'end' (or the beginning) - what is living for you?

xoxo

Day Thirty-Seven

Gone Fishing...

Actually I am just rushing out the door to get to school because I'm going on a 3rd grade field trip.

Peace.

Day Thirty-Six

My heart has been the focus of this journey. All the pain that my heart has stored from long ago has been coming out. And that is good. And painful. I really didn't get how much pain I was storing. As I notice it, and feel it, and survive the sometimes seemingly unbearable pain, I move through it - another layer.

My heart is literally struggling to hold all of this right now. I've had such extreme heart palpitations over the past 4 weeks that I my Dr. recommended a series of tests, all showing that I have a strong, healthy heart. But the heart monitor that I wore for 48 hours confirmed that I do, indeed, have a lot of palpitations. I'm now on a very low dosage of a beta-blocker and the palpitations are getting less frequent and I can sleep again and more oxygen is flowing to the body so I am less fatigued. It is a relief.

Nobody can say why my heart is suddenly doing this but I think my memory body is terrified to re-member all the old pain. But each time I do, I feel some relief. Today my heart feels wide open and vulnerable. We bought Lili a pet rat for her ninth birthday, and over the past two days, she became ill. As I held Squeaks in my hands last night I went back to a time when I was nine and my beloved pet rat was dying - my best friend - and I relived the heart ache all over again. Last night I thanked this little being for helping me open my heart some more, thanked her for gracing us with her presence, and I prayed that if she were to die, that it would be swift and painless. When Andy checked on her this morning, she had passed.

Part of my journey has been to excavate the heart. To overturn the grass and see what lies long buried and allow the grief to flow to the correct source, instead of projecting it elsewhere. Grace has been guiding me through this and I have been providing the willingness. Some days are easier than others...today just feels sad and rich. xoxo

Day Thirty-Five

"Where is that Promised Land?" I whine...so impatient...geez...

I've been a slave recently. Wondering why we're wandering so much, are we ever going to get there? My feet hurt.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend and saying "I feel as if the body is willing, the heart is ready, but I'm still waiting for instructions. And that's the hard place for me, waiting and going on blind faith." But then I remembered a few weeks (days?) ago I was feeling so good because I could see beyond the little strings of my tapestry and see the beautiful pattern it was making. And I said: "Man, I must be impatient because just the other day I was writing about how it was all making sense. I want a sign every day!" And she laughed in recognition.

In my personal journey, I keep waiting to know What To Do (re. work/career) and I feel as if I am sitting around and the message is "We are experiencing a large volume of calls. Please continue to hold." This must be how the slaves felt sometimes during their 40 years of wandering around. What to do? Chop wood, carry water right? Practice, practice, practice. Feed the animals, make food, be nice. Sigh...

Day Thirty-Four

Taking my computer in to get a little part fixed so just a short post today.

I've spoken to Sage and there is going to be closing event for women who have been on the 40 day journey, but only for the women who were present at the High Teaching she gave. So for those of us who were not present for that event, we may want to plan another get together. Please feel free to use this forum for discussion/planning/etc.

Peace.

Day Thirty-Three

This was taken from an article on meditation in May's edition of Shambala Sun, written by Christina Feldman.

"When we embark on the meditative journey, we may enter through many different gateways. Both sorrow and joy can bring us to a point where we acknowledge the urgency of finding ways to be more at peace with ourselves, to be kinder, and to be more present in all the moments of our life.

Practicing with sincerity, persevering through the peaks and valleys that are part of every spiritual path, we begin to discover that practice does indeed bear fruit.

But this is not the end of our journey. Rather, the journey has now truly begun."

This resonates for me as I approach the final seven days of my 40 day journey. I have traveled through the desert y'all! Many, many different gateways. And I do feel as if my journey has just begun (again.) I am looking forward to what the 'next steps' will be...I am blessed to be spending a week alone, in retreat, at the completion of this 40 day round, and my focus will be "now what?"

In the coming days, I will be sharing my thoughts about this and hope that others may feel inspired to do the same. Peace.

Day Thirty-Two

Moses parted the Red Sea with God's help. Has anyone had a similar experience on their journey? Where you were able to accomplish something miraculous with the help of divine grace? I have :)