Day Forty

Sigh...this journey has been so powerful, so intense for me and I feel sad that this is my last post - and what a weeny little post it is... I just got my lap top back and was "off" of my computer for a huge part of this busy day - just got time to sit down and I'm so tired.

So, I guess I'll go out with a whisper and say that part of my commitment on this journey was to blog daily and I did it. But that was just a small piece. I plan to spend the next few weeks digesting all that has transpired over the past 40 days. I will be going on a personal retreat and bringing my journal along as well as some good books. I may even do a cleanse - not sure about that part.

Peace to all who have shared this journey with me, it has been wonderful to know that you were out there, I hope this blog helped you know that you were not alone.

xoxo

Day Thirty-Nine

This is a quote from Abraham-Hicks that I thought was pertinent to this journey:

There are no choices that are really a detour that will take you far from where you're wanting to be -- because your Inner Being is always guiding you to the next, and the next, and the next. So don't be concerned that you may make a fatal choice, because there aren't any of those. You are always finding your balance. It's a never ending process.

-Abraham Hicks

Listen, listen, listen to my heart song...

Day Thirty-Eight

Approaching the 'end' (or the beginning) - what is living for you?

xoxo

Day Thirty-Seven

Gone Fishing...

Actually I am just rushing out the door to get to school because I'm going on a 3rd grade field trip.

Peace.

Day Thirty-Six

My heart has been the focus of this journey. All the pain that my heart has stored from long ago has been coming out. And that is good. And painful. I really didn't get how much pain I was storing. As I notice it, and feel it, and survive the sometimes seemingly unbearable pain, I move through it - another layer.

My heart is literally struggling to hold all of this right now. I've had such extreme heart palpitations over the past 4 weeks that I my Dr. recommended a series of tests, all showing that I have a strong, healthy heart. But the heart monitor that I wore for 48 hours confirmed that I do, indeed, have a lot of palpitations. I'm now on a very low dosage of a beta-blocker and the palpitations are getting less frequent and I can sleep again and more oxygen is flowing to the body so I am less fatigued. It is a relief.

Nobody can say why my heart is suddenly doing this but I think my memory body is terrified to re-member all the old pain. But each time I do, I feel some relief. Today my heart feels wide open and vulnerable. We bought Lili a pet rat for her ninth birthday, and over the past two days, she became ill. As I held Squeaks in my hands last night I went back to a time when I was nine and my beloved pet rat was dying - my best friend - and I relived the heart ache all over again. Last night I thanked this little being for helping me open my heart some more, thanked her for gracing us with her presence, and I prayed that if she were to die, that it would be swift and painless. When Andy checked on her this morning, she had passed.

Part of my journey has been to excavate the heart. To overturn the grass and see what lies long buried and allow the grief to flow to the correct source, instead of projecting it elsewhere. Grace has been guiding me through this and I have been providing the willingness. Some days are easier than others...today just feels sad and rich. xoxo

Day Thirty-Five

"Where is that Promised Land?" I whine...so impatient...geez...

I've been a slave recently. Wondering why we're wandering so much, are we ever going to get there? My feet hurt.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend and saying "I feel as if the body is willing, the heart is ready, but I'm still waiting for instructions. And that's the hard place for me, waiting and going on blind faith." But then I remembered a few weeks (days?) ago I was feeling so good because I could see beyond the little strings of my tapestry and see the beautiful pattern it was making. And I said: "Man, I must be impatient because just the other day I was writing about how it was all making sense. I want a sign every day!" And she laughed in recognition.

In my personal journey, I keep waiting to know What To Do (re. work/career) and I feel as if I am sitting around and the message is "We are experiencing a large volume of calls. Please continue to hold." This must be how the slaves felt sometimes during their 40 years of wandering around. What to do? Chop wood, carry water right? Practice, practice, practice. Feed the animals, make food, be nice. Sigh...

Day Thirty-Four

Taking my computer in to get a little part fixed so just a short post today.

I've spoken to Sage and there is going to be closing event for women who have been on the 40 day journey, but only for the women who were present at the High Teaching she gave. So for those of us who were not present for that event, we may want to plan another get together. Please feel free to use this forum for discussion/planning/etc.

Peace.

Day Thirty-Three

This was taken from an article on meditation in May's edition of Shambala Sun, written by Christina Feldman.

"When we embark on the meditative journey, we may enter through many different gateways. Both sorrow and joy can bring us to a point where we acknowledge the urgency of finding ways to be more at peace with ourselves, to be kinder, and to be more present in all the moments of our life.

Practicing with sincerity, persevering through the peaks and valleys that are part of every spiritual path, we begin to discover that practice does indeed bear fruit.

But this is not the end of our journey. Rather, the journey has now truly begun."

This resonates for me as I approach the final seven days of my 40 day journey. I have traveled through the desert y'all! Many, many different gateways. And I do feel as if my journey has just begun (again.) I am looking forward to what the 'next steps' will be...I am blessed to be spending a week alone, in retreat, at the completion of this 40 day round, and my focus will be "now what?"

In the coming days, I will be sharing my thoughts about this and hope that others may feel inspired to do the same. Peace.

Day Thirty-Two

Moses parted the Red Sea with God's help. Has anyone had a similar experience on their journey? Where you were able to accomplish something miraculous with the help of divine grace? I have :)

Day Thirty-One

My journey has been such a profound, personal experience and I haven't gone into much detail on this blog. But I can tell you that yesterday, a huge piece of a puzzle came together. A lot of this journey for me has been about family of origin and boundaries, about forgiveness and freedom, about loving without giving myself away, and honoring the divine within without looking for external validation.

Yesterday I spent over 4 hours in mediation with my ex-husband over financial matters. This has been going on (dragging on) since last October and has weighed heavily on my emotional and physical body. There were times when I couldn't even deal with all the paperwork and legal communication that needed to be done. And the cost of all of this has been weighing on me as well. I felt deeply that my ex-husband needed to have this legal "battle" with me - to keep us engaged in a power struggle - and so he could feel that "justice was served."

Over the months, I went through the gamut of feelings, but as of yesterday, acceptance was my biggest emotion. Acceptance and inner strength. And that is what I brought to our meeting. There were a few moments of tense emotion, but overall, it was uneventful and eventually settled and papers were signed. In the years since we have been divorced, I unconsciously hoped that my ex would come to see me as a good person; as someone worthy of respect. I don't think that will ever be the case (maybe yes, maybe no) but what I have been letting go of is the need for him to see me as such. And that feels like freedom to me. And I'm basking in it today.

xoxo

Day Thirty

Still on the journey...calling on my spirit guides today...

Day Twenty-Nine

Journey check-in...here is a list of themes that Sage proposed for this 40 day journey.

~life as an orphan
~loss of innocence
~initiation: Egyptian, Hebrew, Today
~40 - the cycle of transformation
~hearing and answering the call
~finding your purpose
~the rigid taskmaster and the unruly slaves-turned- free-people
~the need to strengthen the will
~despair and loss
~wandering lost in the desert looking for the promised
land
~trusting that your needs will be met
~a code to live by
~the power of prayer and it's relationship to intuition,
visions, and dreams
~faith, trust, and letting go
~what does all this have to do with Jesus Christ, our
Judeo-Christian heritage, and our spiritual roots.

As I read over this list, I feel inspired to do some journaling on each of these topics and how they have directly applied to me. The only one that didn't resonate for me is the last one because I tend to avoid thinking about Christianity and Jesus Christ...but maybe I need to look at that...hmmm.

Day Twenty-Eight

Have you ever practiced non-judgment? On yourself? My favorite parable is the one about the old Chinese farmer who has a son who breaks his leg and all the villagers say "What terrible news!" and the farmer says "maybe yes, maybe no." A few months later all the young men from the village get drafted to fight a terrible war and many men die. The farmer's son does not get drafted, due to his injury, and all the villagers say "Oh! You are so lucky!" and the farmer says "maybe yes, maybe no."

The message I take from this story is: don't judge. It doesn't serve. I like to take it a step further and try and be grateful for that which I might normally judge as 'bad.' Acceptance, surrender, softening are all words that help me do this. Recently I got into a downward spiral about where I'm at in my life. I'm 43, I have moved around a lot, I haven't worked at one job for a long period of time, I'm not an "expert" in any field, I know a little about a lot, etc. I was comparing myself to some of my friends who have slowly and steadily worked towards goals and are enjoying the fruits of their labor, and I was coming up short (in my opinion.) Luckily one of my favorite spirit guides (in the form of my husband) spoke some sage words to me and shifted my perspective. I am a human being on the path, I have a light in my heart, I love. That's enough for today.

This post is dedicated to the little baby born in India a month ago that has two faces. Had she been born in the West, she might be viewed as an abomination, a freak of nature. But she has been born in India, where she is worshiped and loved as the reincarnation of Durga. What an inspirational re-frame. It's all about perspective and the open heart. Peace.

Day Twenty-Seven

A note from the Universe:

Don't be afraid. You needn't slay the beast nor scale the entire mountain. That's not how it's done. You only need to move through today. Think of the distance you've already covered. Focus on your strengths. Let each new step remind you of your freedom. Let every breath you take remind you of your power. Seek out friends and guides; they're anxious to help. You're not alone. You're understood. This road has been walked before. Dance life's dance, just a few steps at a time, and in the wink of an eye you will wonder to yourself, "What beast, what mountain? Was I having a dream?"
Love you,
The Universe

love this...xoxo

Day Twenty-Six

What has transpired most relevantly for me on this journey thus far, is that it has no end.
-Anonymous

This is exactly what I wanted to write about today. This 40 day journey is one of many, continuous journeys we take in this life. My life is one long journey, each experience paving the way for the next.

I have received deep satisfaction from my yoga practice. I have been practicing consistently now for over three years - a record for me. The longer I practice, the deeper appreciation I have for it. There is something so amazing, so rich, about consciously practicing anything over time.

Each moment that I consciously show up, turns into a string of days that equal growth. And those days turn into a life well lived. I give thanks for this journey.

Day Twenty-Five

Mudita - the study of "Empathic Joy."

The Buddha called mudita a “rare and beautiful quality.” It is a boundless state that responds to others’ successes not with withdrawal or envy, but with active delight. Cultivating the quality of mudita helps uproot the unhappy states of envy, judgment and comparison. It is also said to be the most difficult of the brahma viharas to develop.

Yesterday, my heart felt a little poisonous. Not 100% poisonous, but still...there were moments when I wished others ill will, and felt lost and unsure of myself and envy in my heart at other people's accomplishments. Just found out that a former colleague of mine is featured in this month's Vogue and I could barely feign interest. Inside I was dying 1,000 deaths and counting my resentments. It hurts to feel those feelings. I hurt my own feelings yesterday. I wasn't happy about the way I was feeling, but didn't know what to do to shift it either.

I stumbled upon an article about a woman who teaches mudita and here are some of her words that comforted me. "I don't think I appreciated, when I first learned it, that mudita is not about really wishing that the other person's good fortune should continue. It's practicing so that your own mind doesn't cave in to despair and envy or jealousy."

Aha...this I can relate to! Kind of like, build it and they will come...bring the body and the mind will follow...I don't want my mind to cave in to despair/envy/jealousy/inadequacy/etc. so I will delight in other's accomplishments, even if I have to fake it until I make it. And try to forgive myself too for feeling so "less than" right now. This too shall pass...xoxo

For more on the concept of mudita, click here.

Day Twenty-Four

I feel quiet today - I look forward to taking time today and going within. I think I may have strayed off the path a bit, because I am drawing a blank about where I'm at re. this journey. Guess that can happen - huh? A daily practice can be challenging.

But one thing that is sustaining me right now is catching myself and being thankful for the moment - right now. It keeps me coming back to the 'right now' and then I remember one of my intentions for this journey...to ask myself: "Right now, am I choosing to live in Love or Fear?"

xoxo

Day Twenty-Three

Not much to say today...but I'm still here. On my journey. I've heard a little rumor that there may be a gathering on May 2 of all the Boulder people who are on this journey. Unfortunately, I'll be in California (I'm glad I'll be there, but sorry to miss it.) I'll find out more details and write more when I know more...

xoxo

Day Twenty-Two

So, I want to continue today on a topic that got broached yesterday...here's a small quote from the Joseph Campbell article:

"Imagine one day you find yourself drinking wine or beer at a friend’s wedding or birthday, and the next day you find yourself directly responsible not only for the lives of the people you love but for the future of the entire world."

And this leads me to a subject that I find especially inspiring and heart opening. As we have been working on shifting our own personal consciousness, within the context of a larger group, so can we now join an even larger group and join other voices around the world in a worldwide prayer vigil focused on shifting the planetary consciousness. It's time.

On April 6th at 12 PM Eastern (10:00am Mountain) hundreds of thousands of people around the world will focus the Moses Code vibration onto the Old City of Jerusalem, what we are calling a "virtual hug" of the Old City, to help awaken its Divine Destiny as the City of Peace. There are two ways that you can participate.

Chant the Moses Code for the hour, and feel the energy of hundreds of thousands of others who are doing the same. In this way we will use the most powerful manifestation tool in history to not only awaken the destiny of Jerusalem, but your personal destiny as well.

To read more about this vigil, click HERE.

I'm definitely planning on spending my time Sunday morning sitting in this space of possibility and healing.

“Can a small group of thoughtful people change the world? Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.”
~ Margaret Mead

Day Twenty-One

Moses the Orphan:

I am intrigued by this recurring archetypal theme - think Vasalisa, Cinderella, Harry Potter, Moses - and how it applies to those of us on this journey. How many of us feel like we are orphans or that we do not 'belong' to our birth families? Separated from my father for much of my life and raised by a mother that I didn't feel a kinship towards, I have felt like an orphan, a misfit, for many years and have striven to create my own family - a soul family. (Personally, I always secretly hoped I was the love child of my father and Joni Mitchell, but alas, I don't think that's true...)

Here's an article that summarizes what Joseph Campbell has to say about Moses and the orphan theme: to read more, click HERE.
(it's long but I really thought it was interesting...especially the last sentence!)

"A common theme in hero stories is the idea of a childhood spent in obscurity (“an infant exile and return,” in the words of Campbell). The prince and princess, the hero with miraculous powers, and protagonist of many a story spend their childhood unknown to the outside world, and often unaware of their own heritage.

Moses, of course, is an excellent example of this. In Exodus 2, Moses’ Hebrew mother sends the infant Moses down the river in a basket in order to save his life. Moses is taken from the river by the daughter of the Pharaoh and raised as an Egyptian prince.

Unbeknownst to him and most of the Egyptians, he is the same race as the Egyptian Hebrew slaves. When he finally makes this discovery, he exiles himself into another country to try and live out the life of a shepherd. God calls him back to fulfill his destiny: Lead the people of Israel out of oppression.

Think also of Cinderella. Or Oliver Twist (or just about all the Dickens’ stories, where the protagonist doesn’t discover his parental heritage – and the wealth it brings – until the final chapters).

In our own time, we have Little Orphan Annie and, even more contemporary, The Princess Diaries and Harry Potter which tell the same story. In fact, the idea that we are in the “wrong family” and must have been switched at birth (preferably with a royal family or a family with special powers) is a childhood fantasy shared by most of us.

And so the story of Luke Skywalker strikes a chord with all boys (and girls) who, like Luke, dream of being shown magic powers they didn’t know they had, of traveling the stars, and of having great adventures.

The infant Jesus is in the same predicament in Mt: 2. An angel tells Joseph in a dream that the family must flee to Egypt in order to hide the baby from Herod. Herod is searching for the baby for the same reasons that Darth Vader and the Emperor are interested in the Skywalkers: He is afraid of the baby and its power.

Even when Herod dies, Joseph is afraid to return to Israel. He is again told in a dream to go to the district of Galilee (Mt 2:22). There, like Luke, the holy family leads a quiet life in a small fishing town. Jesus lives in such obscurity there that we do not hear about him again until he is thirty years old.

Again, we have the case of the reluctant hero when Luke (and Moses) first refuses the call of destiny. Campbell writes, “The myths and folk tales of the whole world make clear that the refusal is essentially a refusal to give up what one takes to be one’s own interest.” (self)

We are not given any information about how Jesus responded to his “call” at the age of thirty, but he, too, must have struggled with his vocation. Certainly his life up until them must have been much like Frodo’s and Luke’s: a quiet life spent working and playing among family and friends he had known since childhood. The politics of the bigger cities – Jerusalem, Minas Tirith, the Death Star – are far from these hero’s homes and their minds. Suddenly, they find themselves thrust into vocations that demand that they deal with many more types of people than they are used to, some of whom want to see them dead.

Imagine one day you find yourself drinking wine or beer at a friend’s wedding or birthday, and the next day you find yourself directly responsible not only for the lives of the people you love but for the future of the entire world.

No wonder Jesus went into the desert for forty days before he undertook his mission."

And we are all on our 40 day journey - before we take on our personal mission - whatever that may be, if anything... Tomorrow, I am going to continue talking about this concept of the death of self (slaying of the ego) and our responsibility for the people we love and for the future of the entire world! Stay tuned :) xoxo

Day Twenty

Final Stage: Integration

"You bring insight to bear on the contradictions that have caused you to lose contact with grace, you apply spiritual insights to the nitty-gritty actions of your life, and you experience the ripening of your breakthroughs over time."

Finally! The good stuff!!! Hope you guys are having some breakthroughs :) xoxo

Day Nineteen

Stage 6: Fall From Grace

"You lose touch with the new gifts and experience the consequences of overconfidence and a sense of dryness or loss of contact with your Source."

Well...this can happen. It's happened to me. Anytime I lose contact with Source, I can spin out of orbit. There is a quote that keeps echoing in my head today: Am I acting out of Love or Fear? Earlier this morning, I was wracked with fear, and I felt jittery and ungrounded. After I sat (literally made myself get still) and speak the fear out loud, and have a cry, I felt re-connected to Source, and immediately more peaceful.

I am having a lot (a lot) of young, childhood pain come up for me on this journey - pain I believe I have dissociated from for over 35 years - and it is quite painful/shameful to experience in the moment. But I hope I can remember that there is always more internal calm once I let it out.

Sometimes I think I am fearful and jittery when I am avoiding the old pain. On a nervous system level, it feels 'wrong' to go to that painful place (an old, old belief.) I have to stop and keep reminding my 43 year old self that I am strong enough, well enough, to face the old pain. I am grateful for this "housecleaning" opportunity!!! It is a blessing.

Blessings to you - and happy baby boy to Aiyana and Thomas!!! What wonderful news!

Day Eighteen

Stage Five: Honeymoon

"Enjoying the new situation, you live in the breakthrough. It may feel somewhat like being in love."

I think there is a negative connotation to the word 'honeymoon' - implying that it is temporary and even possibly false. The breakthrough (or insight) is definitely real and, regardless of the time span, a wonderful period that I can use to meditate on, absorb, and integrate. True, all things change - that is the constant of life - so this "honeymoon" period is a powerful time - one that I can make conscious with my gratitude.

I would like to change the name of this stage to "Grateful Contemplation" - the stage that comes after "Grace, Insight, and Awakening." But that's just me :)

xoxo

Day Seventeen

Stage Four: Grace, Insight, And Awakening

"Grace opens the situation, creating a breakthrough - an inner shift - that may manifest as new gifts or insights."

Well, what more can you say? It is absolutely true and this is exactly what I am experiencing right now in my life. These new gifts/insights have felt nothing short of miraculous to me...I am so grateful for Grace! oxox

Day Sixteen

Stage Three: Asking For Help

"You approach teachers and mentors, and you strongly appeal to the power of grace itself."

Of all my tools, Grace is the most powerful, because it comes from the Divine. When my mind is locked down and my vision is clouded, it is grace that steps in and is the ray of light that enables me to see. Today I am grateful for the Grace that is in my life and is always available to me, all I have to do is ask...

Day Fifteen

Stage 2 - Holding Uncertainty

"You search for methods that will help you to change, you explore the teachings, and all the while you're willing to live with the insecurity of being in a process of identity shifting."
-Yoga Journal

I feel like I have been living in this 'unknown' for a long, long time now. In fact, there are days when it is even comfortable and I have faith. I have been exploring the teachings, looking for a teacher, practicing meditation, yoga, and that keeps me sane and peaceful during these periods of unknown. And I believe that something is coming, I am growing, energy is shifting...

xoxo

Day Fourteen

I read this in Yoga Journal yesterday and I thought it applied to this journey - if any of it resonates for you, I am glad. You know the old adage, "take what you want and leave the rest." I think I will take one stage a day and write a little about it...

On the path of radical transformation, you'll pass through these seven stages:

1. Wake-Up Call

2. Holding Uncertainty

3. Asking for Help

4. Grace, Insight, and Awakening

5. Honeymoon

6. Fall From Grace

7. Integration

So, the Wake-Up Call; when you realize that something needs to change...every transformative process starts with this. Sometimes this can be heartbreaking (or for some of us, a gentle stretch over a cup of tea - lucky you!) Usually, mine are in the more "heartbreaking" category, where my beliefs about myself and my path are shattered. And I've had my share of these experiences lately! More tomorrow...xoxo

Day Thirteen

This 40 day practice reminds us to focus with intention on areas of ourselves that we wish to change. Everything always changes. Whether we want it to or not. We have an opportunity to bring consciousness to this change.

When we consciously slay the slaves within ourselves, we are offered the opportunity to birth New Lives for TRUE transformation.

Is this happening for you?

-excerpted from a high teaching by Sage Hamilton, 2/08

Day Twelve

Throughout the balance of your life and in your life's work, keep this river [the river of life] in mind. Trust one hundred percent that you are loved, that you are carried along, and that you will arrive home safely. How do I know about the river of life? I have traveled it before myself. I know its bends and twists, its torments and its joys, completely. I also know that one can survive it. From this side, I spend many, many hours whispering into the ears of students on earth saying, "You can do it." And I say it now to you, on this river of life, you can do it. You can do it. You can do it!

Our love follows you always. This is Saint Germain.

Si se puede!!!

Day Eleven...

I am in the presence of miracles...I have experienced grace. My fog lifted yesterday and I was able to act from an adult place of empowerment vs. a young place of feeling trapped and powerless. I am just savoring the victory...xoxo

Day Ten...

We cannot go forward unless we turn around the 'shadow.'

-sage hamilton

I have invited the shadow to appear and it has taken me up on my invitation. The best that I can do today is stay present to each moment and pray that I am given the grace to have a minute to think before I react - as is my old way...have mercy!

xoxo

Day Nine

Now I am starting to receive messages in my dreams about my journey...powerful!

xoxo

Day Eight

I had hoped others would feel free to share some of their journey on this blog...perhaps not? I would really love to hear how it is going for you...what are you experiencing? Has your commitment changed at all over the first week? Has anything come up for you? Any new knowledge? Please feel free...

Day Seven...

"The search for God is a reversal of the normal, mundane worldly order. In the search for God, you revert from what attracts you and swim toward that which is difficult. You abandon your comforting and familiar habits with the hope that something greater will be offered you in return for what you've given up."
(from the book Eat, Pray, Love)

Let go, let go, let go...

Day Six...

Are people feeling the power of this? I am amazed at how many "opportunities" are coming my way to deal with my stuff! Amazed and grateful and humbled...

Day Five...

A lot of desert walking for me...sigh...

Day Five...

It's happening...a lot of desert walking...

Day Four...

Is anyone wandering in the desert right now? You are not alone.

Does anyone see glimpses of the promised land? You are not alone.

Peace on your journey...

Day Three...

Foggy day in Boulder...perfect for looking inside...

Day Two...

And the journey continues...I wonder how it is going for everyone...I feel like the tiny green shoots that are pushing out of the frozen, hard ground. Looking forward to lifting my head up high. Peace.

Day One...

May spirit be with each of us as we begin our journeys today, and may each of us know that we are not alone...


every million miles, you have to take the first step - Michael Franti

Welcome

This is the day before our 40 day commitment begins...